and so the inner writing continues.
being a teenager was really stressful for me; i recognize now that i carry a lot of damage from my teenage life. its just so intense, being a kid who learns about love for the first time, and not really having anyone to explain it to you, because adults are useless as fuck, having forgotten what it’s like to actually be in love~
there is something special about teenage romance. it is high pop culture, the focus of many summer blockbusters, and it can completely consume the brian’s whole life and lifestyle and life path. everything about my whole life became different once i fell in love with katie.
i thought, holy SHIT this is it. this is what i want. i want this girl, i want to look at her, and hold her, and make her smile, and have her near me forever. very proper and authentic feelings, and yet, it didn’t work out, as teenage romance usually does not. that’s because as a kid, you’re not yet aware of all the stupid bullshit garbage nonsense like money and careers and religion that get in the way of true love.
when you are a teenager, motherFUCK, you know about true love! you can feel it! you can feel the most coveted and rare thing in all of human existence: real, passionate, wild, barrier-destroying, world-shaking love for another. i’m so fucking angry right meow~
see, i always put that first, when i was young. katie was EVERYTHING to me. everything. every thought, every step, in every class i just drew her name over and over again all over my homework. but in some form, all teenagers have this experience.
the teenager sparkles. the teenager is the most potent of all humans, for you’re still a child witha childs bright open heart, but you now you know about love. that ridiculously overpowering feeling you feel when you see your cute girl from down the hall, walking towards you smiling her braces smile in her boot cut jeans. its like nothing you’ve ever felt before, and for most, something you eventually never feel again, because the adult life of the hustle grind bullshit piece of fuck waste of time civilization weighs on in on us motherfucks because it gives goddamn ZERO SHITS.the adult life of the hustle grind bullshit piece of fuck waste of time civilization weighs on in on us motherfucks because it gives goddamn ZERO SHITS.
when i delve into my memories of being teenager, high-schooler, i see now the cause of all that stupid pain and anxiety and stress is more complex than just a moron mormon girl who dumped me because her parents to dump me, this non-mormon bitch. they saw our relationship as some passing phase of her life that she would grow out of, like JV marching band. and i saw her as the very meaning of my entire life.
i am a serious person. when i care, its not air-sign frivolous; i am a scorpio, i give fucks upon fucks upon FUCKS. i am the fixed water sign, and even if you don’t believe in astrology, the imagery is still helpful: water is emotional and sensitive, and fixed means i tend to obsess and focus on things. so i fell head over goddamn heels for this girl, when the rest of the world saw this romance as a nothing, a total fucking absolute nothing. and that made me feel like i was a nothing.
the thing, me and this girl, i was ready to torpedo everything in my life for her: i was ready to go against my friends, my family, the mormon church, my thoughts about career, i was ready to set all of that on the altar of our love and burn it forever, so devoted was i to her. but in her eyes, i was just like, idk, a fun distraction; a new cool thing, and most horrifically, something she knew she’d have to end someday. katie couldn’t stay with me; shes mormon and a slave to her parents wishes; i viciously recall her as weak and spineless, but that’s not what it was. she was just young, and not insane like me; she had scope. she understood there was more life to live, and that she can’t live it with a dirty heathen gentile like me.
it was so frustrating, because i had already seen through the major religions and identified them as sneaky systems of control and power and influence, exploiting the idea of god for material gain, and no church does this better than the mormon religion.
i will shoot a massive dick-torpedo at the fucking mormon church, one day. i was eviscerate moroni the golden calf with my words, so hard, they might send some of their holdover wild west assassins after me. just make them blonde, 16, and stupid, and they’ll kill me every time.
pencilneck, trixmagia. garbage. nonsense. shill cuck twat bitch cunt. trismagia. the aegis of affliction. the blunder of the bubble bastions. barboreal. cull the climatized! death to the delusional dull! kickstart upstart jumpstart fly and flex, wish and whippoorwill
so much goes through me, when i think. the consciousness, together with your twin bodies #meat and #ENERGY, remember everything you’ve ever experienced, in this life, in all your past existenses, and even the future ones. your soul is infinite. its vital to contemplate this. your soul is infinite. you know everything. you can do everything. you are infinitely strong, infinitely creative, you cannot die, you cannot be born. this is the soul. you are far more than you can even imagine. its actually impossible to comprehend the power of your own soul. impossible! how weird is that? your soul does not exist. consciousness appears in the void, in the spaces between reality, which most likely is the proper explanation for gravity.
here a thing: my theory of the poetic universe. what makes me think the universe is poetic? that science is actually a pretty pathetic way to approach the universe, because first: it takes forever to prove anything. b: it created technology which endanders and destroys but doesn’t necessarily MAKE ANYONE HAPPIER. people don’t even notice. c: science is concerned with how the universe. since when the fuck did anyone give a shit about how?? no one cares about HOW the sandwich the sandwich tastes good, or HOW the sunset principle is beautiful. they just want to eat it, the enjoyment is the good part.
so the poetic approach is far more effective to a human being’s happiness. realizing that the deep field, the one even beyond the higgs field, has a nature, and that nature is infinite consciousness. in hinduism this is known as Brahman. the soul of man, yea verily the souls of all beings are made of this Brahman. the individualized soul is called Atman, which is a lie at all times; it is an illusion that you are a separate self.
so you and the world are intimately connected, for you are one. you are subject, the world is object, but because sublty your consciousness and the universe’s consciousness are actually the SAME consciousness, this is why — jesus christ from EXACTLY this poetic universe principle, which loves irony, i am heading towards a most ironic fate: i will be the religious man who attack science to its core, after i spent my entire life using science to understand reality and trusting in it. i am the hammer priest; i am coming to collide with your weak silly scientific particles.
i really should just get out there and start screaming at people.