seriously what in the motherfuck. life is a joke! shit. now i well no. nevermind~ no war with myself

stream of consciousness writing is kind of bullshit: the perfect excuse to be entirely self-absorbed and absolved of any writing errors, because really #streamofconsciousness is just poorly written #whatever thats all about me.

I’m doing it anyway! man, last night was the wave of life crashing down if ever. if i didn’t close my eyes, breathe yogic, and see the future buddha of the western paradise in dragon//lotus notsmiling beyond nontime in absolute bliss//nonbliss, i’d straight smash everything.

i ripped grass from the ground and threw it! sigh i should not do things like that but oh well~

the meteor. the once friend. the ex. the super silliness. the moving and the cleaning and the packing. sigh sentimentality…and thats right,miss work too! #oh mom. the death dance. the fragility. my rage. i swear to fucking god. sigh (relax!) and i still had to clean the bathroom and it was 11:45pm.

but yeah. all of that. last night though it reminded me to trust and rub together in my hand those few  #talismans gained so far. (unapologetically not good writing ftw) what i mean is:

life is a great struggle. it is sorrowful. it is sorrow itself! and that’s perfectly fine! but it is such a challenge. it is easy to give up the quest for shattering the duality between you and god. it is easy to give in to the ego, begs for its protection, and become evil. almost everyone everywhere looks to the ego to protect them. to give it up is to absolutely die. thats scary as fuck.

#talismans are mantras, ideas, practices, psychological objects of personal power. they are given to you by #god, from the many myriads. (a myriad is a rainbow nymph that holds exactly 10000 ideas and 10000 forms. like a nereid is a sea nymph who knows 10000 wave forms. yeah like that.)

~always have your own back. never go to war with yourself. if you fail, or you’re mean, you lie, you become afraid, people blame you, that’s fine. be the most forgiving, loving mother to yourself. forgive yourself of everything immediately as it happens. god created humans. we are walking mistakes. hahaha so! don’t be so punisssshing.

~say yes to life. don’t say no. affirm the hardship. no is running. yes is brave.

~i am not a boy anymore. i am a man/woman/adult. i choose my life. i am not its victim. no matter what.

~jesus christ brian why are you so goddamn serious–laugh! laugh a lot! more! its not that bad. nothing is this bad. from the perspective of hotei the fat saint, even your personal armageddon is a hilarious expression of cosmic love.

~i am not my thoughts. i am not my emotions. i am not my body. i am awareness itself. i am the clear space. i am the witness. (even after experiencing myself firsthand as this thing, the pull of the world is magnetron great.) but i am! the witness. nothing touches me. there is only this awareness, one without two. we are exactly the same. we are one. only our ignorance separates us.

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