this blog is the spout that is screwed into the side of my head and oh my god do i need it. i need something. some drain. a release, to me, like i need a hole in the head. ha! how crazy! i think i’m saying: i need a hole in the head like i need a hole in the head. and i do

ha! i know a few who might jump at the chance. i have never had enemies before, i didn’t even think about them like that. but that is what they are. i do, have enemies. human opposition that would foil me and my plans for whatever if they could. i feel dry today. complaining is not my style, i feel like i am complaining. this keyboard is so flat it hurts my wrists; apparently this is the cool this these apple fucks are hurting me directly because of their super sleek marketing strategy. what! am i even talking about.

i do dream of ink. ink all day it pours out and over and through me like the ocean from neptune. punch me in the face. I’m annoyed. and tired. and yet i try so hard. it is not enough. for the people around me. i cannot satisfy everyone, but it is nice to finally learn through deep searching for god to godhelpme, i don’t have to satisfy anyone. a person is their own responsibility and although that is so deeply cosmic on every level of reality, its confusing also. i have hurt people. shouldn’t i feel responsible for that? is that society’s influence? my father’s? or is it really me? me the shadow, me the child, me the brian that lives within the castle, as my violent, genius, neon invincible ego prowls the gates covered in blood and cyclones.

there really is a child inside us all. it never dies, it just hurts. it can experience an infinite amount of hurt, and joy, and sadness, anything. he has your heart, and the ego has everything else. the ego decides how it will fashion itself. basically you have energy that is perpetually a child, but the freedom to build any around it you want. it is powered, like a robot or a exoskeleton, but powered by your inner child. interesting. i am trying really hard not to judge my own writing is it difficult haha but oh doesn’t the river

that has flowed through you the earth all your life cut deep. you must move exactly heaven and earth to change from who you’ve been, to someone else.

anyway. yeah. egos and childs man. its a rough confusing life being a fucking human isn’t it. but rocks are beautiful even when they are raining down on you. there awesome brutal things in history holy god. stoning someone is a brutality i cannot relate to. I’m a nice boy. i don’t punch people, i don’t see it happen. why do i feel weirdly poorer for it? is there wisdom in violence? apparently, there is something to it. humanity is fixated on blood, and semen, the white and red. the war//dance of the roses. why does suffering give a man character, almost a mystique? at the same time, we condemn and shun all forms of violence, and yet we seem addicted to it. our entertainment is so bloody and crazy, i wonder who would be more shocked by the time travel switch: you in the Colosseum, or a roman watching showtime.

i can see how mankind can be so lost. there is so much confusion these days. i mean oh my god. the days of naked in the jungle hide from a tiger and find a cave so you can eat a fucking apple, doesn’t it have a certain attraction? compared to today, our world, the modern world is one huge, electric, oppressive, labyrinthine mess, where no one means what the say, nothing is as it appears, everyone lies, no one understands each other. the light is lost. even though many millions try, and read, and learn and meditate or express generosity towards another, even more hundreds of millions, billions, do not. they assume animal form using the unlimited creative potential of the godlike spirits to simply wreak the most impossible amounts of pain and cruelty on everything they can touch. if a man could destroy alpha centauri, or a unicorn, he would try.

i don’t know about this. i don’t know what will happen. i love the people around me. i want good things for everyone. but i feel alone, misunderstood, and intense pressure, from inside. i have my negative patterns too. here is the mountain. it never appears as you think it will, but it always, always appears, doesn’t it.

i am not afraid, god. thank you for my life. thank you for all my challenges. i have to let go of my own disappointments, because they are not really mine. my soul is never disappointed with me. it is hard to remember that sometimes, but i do remember. can i do this? i feel so much terror. why? is that me? where did this black doubt come from? life. i guess. I’m tired, but here i am learning. praise be to god. i could use one of those hugs, from you, right now.

thank you girl. you are the most wonderful everything there is. that is a lovely thought, that always brings me peace. and strength. amen

around me.